Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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