your parents love me but you hate me
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
