ya dads aren't the best wingmen
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
