i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
