So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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