I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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