Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
