Sorry, I don't speak sober.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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