I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
