Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
