How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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