if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
