My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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