I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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