her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
