your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
