i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
