I wish I could teleport
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
