shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
