I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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