i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
