The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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