This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
