Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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