My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
