**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
