I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
