last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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