Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
