I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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