sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
