Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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