oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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