I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
