it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
