She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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