Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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