he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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