If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
