so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
