Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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