My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
