I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
