he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
