I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
