So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
