that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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