After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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