Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
