Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, beer. Big fan.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
