Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
