Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
