We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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