I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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