you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
