i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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