i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
