I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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