My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
